Last week, O. Alan Noble wrote an excellent piece on Christian men, women, and pornography. It isn’t graphic or scary. It’s realistic and helpful. I encourage you to read it. In part he wrote,
Women have a challenge in this pornified world, too. And that is they must be both on guard and gracious toward men. They must acknowledge the fact that many men will have had their imaginations altered by violent pornography. And yet they need to acknowledge that many men will have abstained from or repented of such behaviors and are worthy of trust and respect. The reality is that porn grabs many men at a young age, a very young age. And when prefrontal cortexes are still being formed, young men do stupid things that they later regret.
I wholeheartedly agree with Noble’s piece and I appreciate him writing about the dangers not only of pornography in general, but on the realities of today’s digital porn. Hugh Hefner’s Playboy magazine is G-rated in comparison to what minors are seeing online today1. How Christians respond, both with grace and wisdom, is an issue that needs far more discussion in the church. Noble links to this data showing that 62% of adult men watch porn regularly. This isn’t because men are waiting until they are 18 years old to seek out porn on their own. Boys (and girls) are being targeted online and are often viewing porn before they even go through puberty. Obviously, as Noble argues, this is, and will continue to, negatively impact Christian marriages.
The effort by moms (and dads) to put filters on their kids’ devices and tell their sons to “just look away if you see anything inappropriate” is fine. It is 100% fine, but God doesn’t call us to be fine. The Biblical call is this: Older women have a responsibility to younger women. I’m basing this, in part, on Titus 2:1-8. Please read it and consider these words, “older women are to be reverent in behavior… They are to teach what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husband and to love their children… In the same way, encourage the younger men to be self-controlled in everything. Make yourself an example of good works with integrity and dignity in your teaching.”
We are guilty of falsely reading Titus 2:1-8 to mean “all the ladies who have grey hair and use Botox are responsible to me.” But that’s not what the text says. The text says older women are to encourage younger women and men. Women in their 50’s, 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s should be encouraging me and I should be encouraging those women who were born after me. This is part of the beauty of the church being the church.
Dear Christian Mom, one way we can practically live this out is to raise sons who don’t watch porn. If our future daughters-in-law are in marriages with Christian men who have spent years consuming violent porn, how will we realistically encourage these young women to love their husbands? We (and our husbands) must talk to our sons about the dangers of pornography. We must be informed enough to know that there is absolutely no filter that will stop 100% of pornography from flowing through the internet to our sons’ eyes. We must know that the porn industry is preying upon our sons and then we must take steps to guard our sons’ hearts and minds (Proverbs 4:20-27).
Moms, we owe our children and future generations far more than what is commonly practiced in today’s culture. If our sons view porn it should be because they purposely took steps to seek it out, not because we gave them a smart device which all but guarantees that they will be exposed to porn. If our sons want to see pornography, it should be difficult for them to find it, not carried around in their back pocket. We must take active measures to stop our sons from being victimized online by cutting off access. We don’t store liquor bottles, vapes, and cigarettes in our sons’ bedrooms, so why do we store violent porn in the palm of their hand? We have a responsibility to teach what is good so that we may be an encouragement. And that starts now, not when our hair is a lovely shade of silver.
Given the predatory nature of the porn industry, there is a Biblical case to be made that giving minors tablets, smartphones, and unsupervised internet access is antithetical to the values we say we hold. Even if you think I’m wrong, don’t you think that we should be having this conversation? The church has shied away from talking about the dangers of internet culture because, in part, we don’t want to shame or lay blame at the feet of our peers or older adults, but I don’t think that is our burden to bear. We have a responsibility to those who come after us.
You can choose a landline, a flip phone, or the Wisephone instead of a tablet or smartphone. It is not enough for me to say smartphones aren’t for my sons. They aren’t for your sons either. The plague that has infected our children cannot be contained by only a few families willing to go against the grain. If you are younger than me, I pray that my boldness is an encouragement to you.
As Noble wrote, women need to extend grace and forgiveness to men who have repented and are trying to live a virtuous life. Christian women have an important, and difficult, role to play in this porn saturated world. But, Moms, rather than kicking the can down the road, we need to teach our sons what is good. Teaching is not synonymous with access. We must tell the truth.
After all, I would rather spend a few short years saying no to smartphones and tablets for my son, than spend decades looking my future daughter-in-law in the face knowing that the pain and struggles in her marriage are because I wasn’t brave enough to fight for her.
Emily Harrison is a writer, speaker and consultant on digital media and family. She is a Colson Fellow with the Colson Center for Christian Worldview, Ambassador for the Phone Free Schools Movement, and ScreenStrong, and member of Fairplay’s Screen Time Action Network as well as Virginia Governor Youngkin’s Reclaiming Childhood Task Force. Her work may be found with The Gospel Coalition, the Institute for Family Studies, Front Porch Republic, Fairplay’s News You Can Use, EdNC, and more. She blogs weekly at DearChristianParent.Substack.com where she encourages parents, pastors, and youth leaders to think deeply, and biblically, about how the next generation uses digital media. She resides in Virginia with her husband and two sons.
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